Priesthood power and paradigm shifts

Shortly after my decision to stay in Oklahoma, I had several times when I doubted the fact that I was really supposed to be there.  I felt like I had tried everything to find answers, but nothing worked.  As I was studying for a Sunday school lesson about the priesthood, I realized that I had never asked a priesthood leader for help.  That Sunday, I talked with my branch president about it.  He didn't provide any earth-shaking, all-revealing advice, but I wasn't expecting that.  He shared some of his own experiences and gave me some suggestions.  It helped me to know that I wasn't the only one who didn't know what my path would be in the future.  Neither of us felt like I should put my previous plans on hold for too long, and delaying my education for more than a semester didn't seem like a good idea.  I decided after our conversation that I would stay in Oklahoma until the sales quit coming; and if nothing happened by then to make it look like I should stay, then I would leave.

About a week later, I had an experience that opened my eyes to some of my purpose.  A friend of mine shared a funny video of a smooth door-to-door salesman on Facebook.

I enjoyed Kenny Brooks' witty remarks, embedded pop culture references, and lightning-fast comebacks to the prospect's objections, but the video made me think a lot about my own experience as a door-to-door salesman.  I later wrote:  "It made me wonder why I can't sell like that.  And I know I shouldn't act exactly like him, because few sales techniques work equally well for everyone.

"But I realized that part of the reason I don't excel in sales is because I don't love what I'm doing.  This has always been a means to an end for me.  I've thought many times how ready I am to throw this away when I don't need it anymore, even though I'm grateful for how this job has changed me.  But then I thought about my mission.  I'm eternally grateful for how that changed me; but at the same time, I loved being a missionary while I was doing it.  The Lord told me that sales can be that way too, and it should be.  And He told me that I shouldn't think of this as something short-lived, like a flame that burns brightly for a moment and then goes out.  The Lord is using this as an experience to shape me into who He wants me to be.

"In many ways, this builds on what I learned as a missionary, and it includes new elements and ideas that I've never thought of before.  Basically, learning selling principles is helping me to become a strong, confident man of God in ways that few other things can.  And if there comes a time that I throw that away because I think I don't need it, then the Lord can't use that to shape who I am anymore."

Up to that point in the summer, I believed that sales brought me to Oklahoma, but there was an entirely different purpose waiting there for me.  In other words, sales was only the means to an end.  But that night I realized that sales was a big part of the reason the Lord wanted me there, so that He could change and refine me into who He wants me to be.

"Stay."

(Note for non-Mormons:  LDS temples are places where members of the church go for many reasons.  One of those reasons is that we believe the temple is a place where we can feel closer to God.  It is His house, it is a quiet place separated from the world, and its beauty and cleanliness calms me.  I, along with many other Latter-Day Saints, attend the temple to find answers or help with questions or struggles in my life.  I know that the temple is a place that I can more easily hear God's voice and feel His presence.  If you want to know more about temples, go here.)

July 12th, 2013.  I had been 22 for a few hours.  By this time in the summer, because of the heat and our tiredness, we had agreed to make our daily schedule a little more lenient.  We no longer went in for meetings in the morning; instead we met around noon every day before we went out knocking.  I and another salesman were planning on attending the temple at 1:00 that day.  We left the noon meeting, rushed to the Oklahoma City temple, and barely made it on time for the 1:00 session.

Because of the hurry, I wasn't in the best mood and I wasn't able to concentrate as well as I usually can.  Which was a problem, seeing as this was my first chance in months to go to the temple and I was hoping to have a great experience there.  After the session was over, I didn't feel like I had been ready to receive any answers.  I didn't know when I would be able to go to the temple again, so I decided to go to the 6:00 session after I'd had some time to prepare.

There was a noticeable difference in the evening.  I wasn't stressed anymore and I could focus better.  I knew I was ready.  After the session, I sat in the celestial room in silent prayer, asking God why He had sent me to Oklahoma.  I wrote about what happened later in my journal:  "...all I got was one word:  'Stay', and the feeling that it would be longer than I had planned here in Oklahoma.  I wasn't ready for that.  I spent about 10 minutes just sitting there thinking, Really?  That's it?  That's what You have for me?'  And then I thought about what that meant.  If I was to stay longer, I would have to give up at least a semester of school and all the academic preparation and social experiences that came with it.  I would continue to live in Oklahoma, not knowing why I was there, and miss out on a bunch of things back home.

"To make a long story short, I doubted it.  I wasn't ready to give that up.  The only thing I did immediately was to ask the branch president (lay leader in the LDS church) for a calling (opportunity to serve in an LDS congregation).  I wanted one anyway and I figured I could quit it easily if I decided to go back to Utah when I had planned.  I didn't want to touch my classes, my job, or my apartment contract until I got further confirmation that I was really supposed to stay.

"For the next few days I was casually thinking about it while selling.  I had a couple of bad selling days even though I felt like I was in a good area.  I wondered why things weren't going so well and then I thought about the answer the Lord gave to me.  I thought of the scripture in Ether (12:6) that says you receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.  A friend of mine had posted on Facebook the question, 'What am I willing to give up for God?'  Somewhat reluctantly, I decided that night to drop all my classes and notify the BYU math lab that I wouldn't be returning fall semester, as well as start to sell my apartment contract.  I'm trusting God and hoping this will turn out all right.  I hope a lot of things, but for now, I will search, work, and wait patiently until what's supposed to happen, happens.  Until I know what I'm supposed to do and why I'm here."

Wanting answers

July was when I hit the brick wall.  Everyone did, actually.  There were very few areas that hadn't been knocked aggressively by other pest control companies.  People were giving us less time on the doors, and the complaint "You're, like, the tenth guy here" became more and more common.  It was getting really hot, and all of us were getting really tired.  Not just physically tired, but tired of doing the same things and hearing the same objections over...and over...and over again.  As my team leader Blake put it, "You have way too many sales to go home, but you have way too much time left to be happy about it."  All of us were looking at another two months of selling, minimum, and I wasn't excited.

But that wasn't what bothered me the most.  I had come out to Oklahoma knowing that I was there for a reason, and I had thought about it on and off for the two months I had been there.  When things were easy, I could find fulfillment and success in my sales.  But when things got hard, I knew I couldn't rely on an unstable source of motivation.  At the end of a day full of rejection, all I could think was, "What am I doing here?"  I spent a lot more time thinking about my purpose and why I was really there.  Here are my thoughts on the subject from July 6, 2013:

"The biggest thing is that I still have absolutely no idea why I'm here.  And the summer is half over.  A couple weeks ago in church we had back-to-back lessons in priesthood and Sunday School (both parts of the LDS church meeting) about temples.  I felt that if I wanted to know anything significant about my purpose here, I had to go back to the temple, because that's where I received the revelation to come here in the first place.  And in the past couple weeks, I have had a more and more urgent desire to get back to the temple.  Actually, I think the phrase 'biting need' describes it better.  I want to return to the temple so bad it hurts.  It hurts because I don't want to spend another day out here not knowing at least a little bit of my purpose.  On top of that, I've had several times when I thought I would finally be able to go to the temple, only to have my hopes dashed.  It's like a gnawing void inside me that isn't that big, but it's getting bigger.  And it's uncomfortable every time I think about it.  I need to get back to the temple.  So I'm sure I'll write about whatever happens there.  I hope it's soon."

It was soon.  Six days later, on my birthday, I finally got to return to the temple.  And it was there that I received the answer I never would have expected.