Sales-wise, the first two weeks of September went pretty well. It was still hot, there were still bugs, and people were still buying. Occasionally I would hear about something going on back home and get distracted, but I found that as long as it still felt like summer, I wouldn't feel like I should be home. Around this time, we were short on technicians (the guys who do the actual bug spraying). The owner had us trained so that we could do technician work when needed and sell the rest of the time. While being trained, I had this experience:
"On Wednesday this past week, I was out teching. It was a cool day outside, and since I was teching, I was wearing long pants. I guess the cool day and the fact that I was wearing long pants struck tones in my subconscious, because I got pretty homesick that day. Cool weather often seems to make me nostalgic for some reason. It felt like fall, and fall and winter make me think of home. Also, I was taking a break from selling, and it felt really good not having to worry about selling. And I knew I had to keep selling until the end of the month, and I didn't want to do that. So, to be brief, I wanted out of this whole thing, and that is basically the definition of regret."The worst thing was, the feeling of regret that came didn't just apply to my summer sales experience. For a moment or two, I even let myself think that if I hadn't gone on a mission, I could have graduated from college and been on the way to success right now. For a moment, I let myself believe that what the world could give me was better than what God could give me, and that I could make a better life for myself than He could. It was only for a moment, but it scared me that I let it in.
"It lessened by that night, but I was still afraid that if something really good doesn't come out of this experience before I leave, I might not have the faith to choose His will over mine for a long time, if ever. One feeling I've had on and off while I've been here is that every day that goes by when I don't get the answers I'm looking for, I lose a little bit of faith. On Wednesday night I read a talk by [LDS church leader] Henry B. Eyring that is directed to people who feel that way, specifically for people who wonder if they're going to have enough faith to endure to the end. I can't point out the exact words from that talk that gave me comfort, but it was exactly what I needed. It felt extremely comforting to know that there was somebody who understood how I felt and wanted to help me. That alone may have been enough. I was given what I needed when I needed it. That gave me motivation to keep going."
My biggest fear was that I would be all out of faith by the time I left Oklahoma. Being redeemed from that fear was a unique spiritual experience. It felt like a safety net, like the danger might be right next to me but God was keeping me from it, or it from me. He was keeping me from failure and fear.
Knowing what some of my friends and family have been through, it sometimes seems pathetic to me that this trial affected me as much as it did. I don't know whether or not I had as much as I could bear that night. What I do know is that, because of that experience, I know without a doubt that God truly will not let me be tempted more than I can bear. For me, it was an inner spiritual protection from danger. For others, it may be a change of outward circumstances. But I know that what Paul said is true:
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." -1 Corinthians 10:13
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